Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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