This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
