I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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