That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
then he tried to convert me to islam
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
