Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
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is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
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So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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