She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
