While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
