South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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