Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
