Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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