If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
