I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
