This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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