Soap is not a condiment
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??