her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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