i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
