I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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