The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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