Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
