I should be sponsored by Trojan
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize
