Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
