i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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