Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize