everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
