i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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