life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
