forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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