dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
