Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
