the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I can't trust your balls anymore.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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