a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
