My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
