Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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