Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
well, you know. whores of a feather.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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