I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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