I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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