I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Randomize
