Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
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It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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