you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
