We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize
