wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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