the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
