so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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