I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
