I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
