so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
