does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
