i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
