Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
