Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
