Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
