I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
