Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
