Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
