I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
